The Poop stories

The title should be enough of a warning. So to all those weary of the subject, steer clear.
And by the way this is part of the promised 'back blogging'.

First of all I have to say I was hesitant to blog about this particular facet of Taz's life. But as the one experience happened in front of several of my fellow bloggers I was ardently encouraged to share the delightful little episode here. I figured as long as I was degrading myself with such topics I might as well do it thoroughly so you get both delightful tales.

Poop Story #1

Nearly a month ago my children and I were attending a church affiliated play group at a local park. Just after we arrived Princess, who had been sluggishly honing her potty training skills, announces that she has to go to the bathroom. I put her off, having just taken her before we left the house. She persisted so I looked around for a bathroom and announced that I couldn't find one. One of my fellow moms informed me that there was a port-a-pot quite a ways away, or I could walk her over to use the facilities at the nearby public pool. I wasn't enthusiastic about either of these alternatives so I put her off again. I mean really we all know that we have these play groups at least as much for the mother's socialization as for the kids', and both of those treks would seriously cut into my talking time. Plus, I wasn't convinced she had to go. We had just used the toilet not ten minutes before and she had developed a rather obnoxious habit of begging to go to the bathroom only to refuse to get on the toilet. So I told her there wasn't a bathroom anywhere near and she would just have to wait.

I know I was just being a bad mom, I admit it. If only my punishment could have ended with Princess wetting her pull-up, at that point she was still to unpredictable to take out in panties. The accident wasn't what I would have considered a great tragedy given her sporadic use of the toilet at this point. [She is now pretty much trained by the way and I am so grateful.]

So a while later I'm sitting in the shade happily chatting with my friends as we kept an eye on our pack of boys running around the park. They had completely abandoned the play ground that had attracted us and were happily running from tree to tree playing some kind of war and chase game. As we did one of our constant sweeps of the area to make sure each child was still accounted for Blogging Wonder Mom #1 asked, "MMM, what is Taz doing?"

I looked in the same direction quickly assessing the situation. "He's peeing in the grass," I announced with irritation bemoaning my child's ever present lack of discretion and modesty.

This instantly caught the attention of the other mom's who looked up for a chuckle. We all enjoy watching the 'silly' things kids do, especially when it's not our kid. BWM #2 asked why he had his pants pulled down quite so far. BWM #3 asked why his shirt was pulled up off his belly. BWM #2 announced as we all realized, myself with horror, "he's pooping!"

I jumped to my feet as he preceded to completely undress himself and use his miraculously clean underwear to clean his bottom.
What?
Who does this?
Who?
Who?
And Why would he ever? I was completely aghast!
What does a person do under these circumstances. My fellow BWMs were all howling with laughter. I was desperate to end the humiliation as soon as possible, as well as not attract attention from the other group of moms gathered at this same park. Requesting the use of the now empty grocery bag one of the BWMs had brought her lunch in I ran up the hill to stop the vandal before he contaminated anything else. After cleaning up and removing all evidence as best I could I hurried my three little hoodlums to our truck so we could exit the scene as quickly as possible.

The other BWMs having concluded that was as much entertainment as they could expect from one afternoon at the park decided to pack up too. As they followed my failed escape up to the parking lot they all requested, or demanded :) that I blog this wonderful and uplifting experience. So here it is for all to enjoy. Thanks guys, I hope it lived up to your expectations. Let me know if I left anything out ;).

Poop Story #2

On one of the first days of Summer, before girls camp and its delightful snow storm. I took my children out on the town to arrange some fun activities we could participate in during our long and unscheduled summer days. After signing up for the summer reading program at the library, and collecting information from the local theaters on the free movies they would show all summer long, my delightful children and I stopped at Burger King for lunch before running some other necessary errands.

After the food arrived and everyone was bouncing in their seats and climbing under the table instead of eating their food Taz announces that he has to use the bathroom. We were seated in the booth closest to the bathrooms which were down a short hall. This particular bathroom was one of those one stall, lock the door on your way in deals so I let him go by himself, since I could clearly see him or anyone else coming or going for that short distance.

Not a minute after Taz goes into the bathroom a gentleman seated near us gets up and walks down the hall to wait his turn for the toilet. After several minutes of scowling and pacing he gave up and went to retrieve his wife so they could leave and find available facilities elsewhere. I got up to determine what was taking him so long.

After I knocked on the door and asked Taz what the problem was he informed me he was pooping. Wonderful! We call him our marathon pooper. For whatever reason this particular deed seems to take him an inordinately long time. I rolled my eyes and returned to my seat, hoping that no one else would need to use the pot before he finished. No such luck.

Not a minute later another gentle man got up to wait and pace while my son occupied the bathroom. I tried not to pay attention. I had no idea what to do. This particular child is frequently leaving me completely baffled, and this instance was no exception.

Unfortunately this particular gentleman was a little more proactive. After waiting at the door for several minutes he went to find the manager to unlock the door. Realizing what was happening I jumped up to inform them my son was using the toilet. The manger insisted on accompanying me to the door as I asked him if he needed help. She told him to hurry, like that would help.

After the pushy lady left I asked Taz to open the door so I could help him. After several requests the lock clicked so I opened the door and let myself in. Taz was standing in the middle of the room violently swing his underpants.

MMM: "What are you doing?"
Taz: "Drying my underwear?"
MMM: "How did it get wet?"
Taz: "It got flung into the toilet"

Of course! How silly of me not to guess that right away!

MMM: "Is it very wet?" -not wanting to determine this for myself.
Taz: "No."
MMM: "Then put it back on and get out of here. Other people are waiting to use the toilet."
Taz: "ok." -pleasantly and bouncing like he was delighted by this.

I just walked out shaking my head like I always do with Taz. How could I be expected to understand such nonsense. I assured the gentleman still waiting to use the toilet that it would be available shortly. He seemed very disgruntled, perhaps he was hoping I would bring the miscreant out with me. Sorry, no such luck. Perhaps he would have had more compassion if he had joined us for the rest of the adventure.

I got my other two angels packed up and ready to go as soon as Taz joined us. I had no intention of hanging around there a moment longer. Back in our truck I tried to get a full, or at least partial explanation from Taz about what had actually happened during the ten minutes he was locked in the bathroom. Once again, No such luck.

I should have taken the hint and gone home, but no. I had important errands to run and I was going to get them finished today. I can not at this moment remember what the important errand was I had to complete at the little, public bathroom-less, store next to Toys-R-Us but that was where we found ourselves when disaster decided to strike again.

I found myself getting more and more frazzled as I tend to do when I take all three children on these types of outings. We had been fruitlessly wandering around in this overly cluttered home decor shop as I tried to find what I was looking for and keep my children away from the many breakable items strategically placed right where little hands can grab them or knock them over forcing you to then purchase the damaged item no one would have ever bought otherwise. I'm convinced this is a major consideration for these particular stores chosen displays. They know what won't sell. If they place it where it is likely to be pumped, grabbed, or chewed on they can easily bid rid of the unwanted item.

As I attempted for the millionth time to round up my little wrecking balls and just give up on my search Taz informed me he needed to use the toilet again. "How is that even possible?" I found myself exclaiming in frustration. After hauling my three stooges to the front of the store where I purchased a few small items I had selected to convince myself this effort hadn't been a complete waste, I asked directions to their bathroom.

Annoyingly smug clerk responded, "Oh, we don't have a bathroom. You have to go next door to Toys-R-Us, that's the closest public restroom."

I gaped at her. Seriously! My kid is jumping up and down like he's got springs on his feet and you want me to walk out your store down the side walk into another store and attempt to get all the way to their bathroom in the back of their really large warehouse before he has an accident? Give me a break! I wanted to ask if she also walked over to Toys-R-Us every time she needed a potty break. I contented myself with stomping out the door dragging a nearly incapacitated Taz along behind me. I wondered how Toys-R-Us felt about this abuse of their provided restrooms.

We raced through Toys-R-Us with me carrying both Taz and Princess while WG jogged in my wake. Reaching the bathroom I believed we had achieved success and wouldn't suffer anymore bathroom emergencies that day. If only! The usual scuffle over Taz wanting to use the boys bathroom ensued and I finally caved under the stipulation that WG accompany him. I briefly wondered why he would worry about such a thing when he seemed ready burst, but then I remembered that contemplating the delicate intricacies of his four year old mind was beyond me.

After several minutes of entertaining Princess with the toy racks closest the bathroom I began to wonder what could be taking so long this time. After another minutes WG came out to let me know that Taz was in desperate need of assistance. I tried to explain that he was in the men's bathroom and WG should go back in and do what he could for him when a Dad poked his head out the restroom door. He suggested that I should come and help my son and assured me that it wouldn't be a problem since he and his three year old were the only ones in there.

Not wanting to know what could make a man willingly invite a strange woman into a public restroom I wearily stepped inside. Spying Taz's feet under a stall door I walked directly to it, not stopping to look at the man and his son. I felt distinctly awkward.

I found Taz standing in the stall completely naked. It was obvious from the splatters on every surface that the child had the runs and had attempted to 'clean' and 'dry' his soiled underpants in the same fashion he had attempted at BK. After discarding the irreparable underwear I cleaned Taz up the best that I could and attempted not to vomit in the process. Realizing he had successfully smeared poop on every available surface, [Including his clothes! Because that is the logical choice when one is faced with a poopy mess, perhaps he thought if everything was covered with poop he could simply blend in! How old are we again?!] I sifted through the soiled garments weighing my options. I tossed the socks. I shoved him back into the shirt and jeans and shoes after cleaning them the best I could. We left the restroom in a hurry, grateful the understanding father had exited long before we did.

With the same intention of fleeing the scene as quickly as possible I gathered up Princess, who I had left under WG's supervision with out any other option, and marched as quickly as I could through the store toward the door. When we were half way there Princess informed me that she had to poop. We hadn't really begun potty training her back in June so I tried to ignore it but she was insistent. Upon checking her diaper I discovered that she had already pooped and it was up her back.

Given the current state of Taz and his clothes I actually contemplated letting her ride home that way. Accepting this as an impossibility I took her back to the bathroom and cleaned up my second poop mess of the day. Princess wasn't quite as bad, but her pants weren't quite clean either. Having left her diaper bag in the truck I used the wet soapy paper towel substitute I had adopted for Taz's disaster. Now I had two kids going commando through the store. I ran out of there as fast as I could not even caring that people were looking at me. Hopefully they didn't recognize the poopy finger prints on the front of Taz's shirt.

After buckling them both into their poopiness for the 15 minutes ride home despite their protests, I demanded complete silence, which shockingly they gave me. I must have looked as crazy as I felt. Both little rug rats were asleep before we got out of the parking lot. I realized they must have a stomach bug and tried to shake the experience off as, just one of those things. Your right, it didn't work. That day still haunts me. At one point I glanced at WG in the rear view. He was staring at me eyes wide, he didn't say a word all the way home, which you all know is very uncharacteristic for poor WG.

In conclusion I fully accept that this may be the least up lifting thing anyone reads all day. But if you got a laugh then I guess it was worth it. So Enjoy. And I have to add, in all sincerity, you can NOT make this stuff up!